I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
