I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
