The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
