So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You ruined the universe
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
