All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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