So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
