Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize