Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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