just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
