closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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