Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
