Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
