I'm going to rape someone's good day.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
