i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
