Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
