I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how does that bad decision feel?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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