i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize