Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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