my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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