If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
