You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
