just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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