Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
