i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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