my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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