NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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