I feel like I'm in dance class right now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
