I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
