two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
