I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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