The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
