halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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