Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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