hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
