At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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