I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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