When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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