Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
