Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
