I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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