Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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