I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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