he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
