I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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