haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
