It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
