I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
