I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
