I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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