True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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