12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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