Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
