Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
